If you closed a bridge and hostility came, what would it take to reopen it?
Already trusting no one means that any silence is going to be over a long long time, and when a fight comes, I'll just walk away.
Saturday, 29 October 2016
Monday, 25 May 2015
Clouded reality
Years & Years - King
So I haven't written in ages, I would pretend that I have a life, however it's more to do with my suffering from the common cold for so long. Apparently hanging around kids can do that for a person. SO less time to think, meant less ranting (perhaps that's a huzzah moment perhaps not - maybe one thing to do in order to stop these incessant thoughts is just to maintain the busy/ill factor in order to stay oblivious and/or sane.
A downside with this meant thta I gained weight, noooooooooooooooooo!
Half a stone may not mean much to anyone else but going up 2 dress sizes with my short status meant hell for me, at least I could retend that I was looking after myself, now I'm unable to even do that.
Anyway I digress, back to why I even started writing today's entry I'm pissed off, yep I know hard to fathom (not) I'm not made to feel welcome in the place I should be able to call home ...
Last time I was about to leave I had my own car, deposit and it was Cardiff here I come ... now I've gone into a field that requires me to stay somewhere permanent for the next year, no car and my savings have dwindled. I'm even more of a second class citizen as the parent chose another over me, apparently I cannot attack others but it's perfectly fine if they attack me, hypocrisy but hey what do I know about parenting. And if I even suggest that folk shouldn't come to me for answers because they have the chosen one (who incidentally doesn't give a shit unless it's something that she wants to do or is able to lord over others later) I get berated. Seriously.
And then I had an epiphany earlier this week when the parent stated that she would never tell her kid to leave, because if she did they would resent her. However this now means that what I had been doing was the path I should have followed, at least if I'd had my own home I wouldn't have been a second class citizen and could have had a smidgen of fun as hollow as it might of been.
Oh well, what ifs don't get people anywhere so I'm going to have to start again from this new stop, so nother couple of years of silence and probably tears whilst listening to myself get berated for the actions not performed by the chosen one who claimed that she does it all without complaint and never gets any credit for it ... methinks not, the fact that it hasn't been done and I get told off in order to do this, then do it, then have the chosen one claim the same thing pisses me off, but no one else gives a shit. So I think my method of not speaking to the chosen one is good. I avoid concussion (have I mentioned the chosen one is a violent bully), confrontation although I don't have any freedom, unless the chosen one is not home, and this depends on whether she's chosen to clog up various rooms with her presence, like leaving the sink full of washing up because even though she is 10 minutes ready before leaving the house (she waits for her lift) she cannot wash up after herself. So I get told of if I point anything out, because then I'm lazy and resentful whereas she's a saint or something. And I get told off for not being a good person because coming home hours after the chosen one means I should have cleaned everything up ... don't ask me to explainthe logic I have yet to discover it.
Yes I'm being a nasty person by only covering the mess I make, etc. But what do I care it's not like any of them give a shit about me. Just because I don't divert the topic or bitch at them if they get my back up doesn't mean I deserve that treatment. And they ponder why I retreat into my own shell, not talking and just generally being me elsewhere, sometimes I wonder at the what ifs. What if I had chosen that guy rather then my faith, what if I had chosen to leave, what if I Had just settled, what if I Had said yes to the CFO. Would I be happy? Would I still be alone? Waiting for each moment hoping it's my last whilst I comtemplate as to why I'm not allowed to commit suicide, not because it's self harm or a cry for attention, but because sometimes I wonder at the point of this faceless reality where everything is gained by the greedy and you get targeted for trying to be a better person. I only want 1 person, but then I Guess some of the prophets had not even that so who am I to complain?
So I haven't written in ages, I would pretend that I have a life, however it's more to do with my suffering from the common cold for so long. Apparently hanging around kids can do that for a person. SO less time to think, meant less ranting (perhaps that's a huzzah moment perhaps not - maybe one thing to do in order to stop these incessant thoughts is just to maintain the busy/ill factor in order to stay oblivious and/or sane.
A downside with this meant thta I gained weight, noooooooooooooooooo!
Half a stone may not mean much to anyone else but going up 2 dress sizes with my short status meant hell for me, at least I could retend that I was looking after myself, now I'm unable to even do that.
Anyway I digress, back to why I even started writing today's entry I'm pissed off, yep I know hard to fathom (not) I'm not made to feel welcome in the place I should be able to call home ...
Last time I was about to leave I had my own car, deposit and it was Cardiff here I come ... now I've gone into a field that requires me to stay somewhere permanent for the next year, no car and my savings have dwindled. I'm even more of a second class citizen as the parent chose another over me, apparently I cannot attack others but it's perfectly fine if they attack me, hypocrisy but hey what do I know about parenting. And if I even suggest that folk shouldn't come to me for answers because they have the chosen one (who incidentally doesn't give a shit unless it's something that she wants to do or is able to lord over others later) I get berated. Seriously.
And then I had an epiphany earlier this week when the parent stated that she would never tell her kid to leave, because if she did they would resent her. However this now means that what I had been doing was the path I should have followed, at least if I'd had my own home I wouldn't have been a second class citizen and could have had a smidgen of fun as hollow as it might of been.
Oh well, what ifs don't get people anywhere so I'm going to have to start again from this new stop, so nother couple of years of silence and probably tears whilst listening to myself get berated for the actions not performed by the chosen one who claimed that she does it all without complaint and never gets any credit for it ... methinks not, the fact that it hasn't been done and I get told off in order to do this, then do it, then have the chosen one claim the same thing pisses me off, but no one else gives a shit. So I think my method of not speaking to the chosen one is good. I avoid concussion (have I mentioned the chosen one is a violent bully), confrontation although I don't have any freedom, unless the chosen one is not home, and this depends on whether she's chosen to clog up various rooms with her presence, like leaving the sink full of washing up because even though she is 10 minutes ready before leaving the house (she waits for her lift) she cannot wash up after herself. So I get told of if I point anything out, because then I'm lazy and resentful whereas she's a saint or something. And I get told off for not being a good person because coming home hours after the chosen one means I should have cleaned everything up ... don't ask me to explainthe logic I have yet to discover it.
Yes I'm being a nasty person by only covering the mess I make, etc. But what do I care it's not like any of them give a shit about me. Just because I don't divert the topic or bitch at them if they get my back up doesn't mean I deserve that treatment. And they ponder why I retreat into my own shell, not talking and just generally being me elsewhere, sometimes I wonder at the what ifs. What if I had chosen that guy rather then my faith, what if I had chosen to leave, what if I Had just settled, what if I Had said yes to the CFO. Would I be happy? Would I still be alone? Waiting for each moment hoping it's my last whilst I comtemplate as to why I'm not allowed to commit suicide, not because it's self harm or a cry for attention, but because sometimes I wonder at the point of this faceless reality where everything is gained by the greedy and you get targeted for trying to be a better person. I only want 1 person, but then I Guess some of the prophets had not even that so who am I to complain?
Friday, 26 December 2014
Awari
This is the song directly from the film, which I thought was more heartfelt for me whilst watching the movie, although I would probably just listen to the audio as it was a beautiful song:
It was a beautiful piece and when searching for the lyrics the ones I thought best were from:
http://www.bollymeaning.com/2014/06/awari-awaari-lyrics-translation-ek.html
I've tweaked some of the words below and placed each line next to it's translation, feel free to disagree(!):
The song was used in the Movie Ek Villain, written by Soch who you can also find the song being performed by them (and the plight of the oppressed is better heard when one of those who could be an oppressor speaks up about it)
[Male]
Teri baahon mein jo sakoon tha mila - The peace that I found in your arms
Maine dhoondha bahut tha - I had looked for (that peace) a lot.
Phir na milaa... - Never found it again
[Female]
Duniya chhoona chaahe mujh ko yoon - The world wants to touch me as it wishes
Jaise un ki saari ki saari main - as if I belong completely to them
Duniya dekhe roop mera - The world looks at my physical beauty
Koi na jaane bechaari main - No one knows how wretched I am
[Chorus x 2]
Haaye, tooti saari ki saari main - Oh, I am completely broken
Tere ishq mein hoi Awaari main - I have become a vagabond in your love
Koi shaam bulaaye - Some call for me in the evenings
Koi daam lagaaye - Some set a price on me
Main bhi upar se hansti - I, too, smile on the surface
Par andar se haaye.. - but inside, alas, (I cry)
[Male]
Kyun dard chupaaye baithi hai - Why do you bottle all your pain inside
Kyun tu mujh se kehti hai - Why do you say this to me
Main to khud hi bikhra hua - I am also shattered inside
[Chorus x 2]
Haaye andar andar se toota main - Oh, I'm broken from inside
Tere ishq mein khud hi se rootha main - In your love, I'm become angry with myself
Aa phir se mujhe mil - Come, meet me again
Main tujh se ye boloon - I'll tell you these things again
Tu anmol thi - You were a priceless treasure
Pal pal bolti thi - Who spoke in each moment
Aisi chup tu laga ke gayi - Now you are creating such a silence
Saari khushiyaan kha ke gayi - That is ending all the happiness
[Chorus]
Haaye andar andar se toota main - Oh, I'm broken from inside
Tere ishq mein khud hi se rootha main - In your love, I'm become angry with myself
[Female]
Haaye, dethi hoon saari ki saari main - Oh, I give all of myself
phar tere liye bazaari main - However for you I will sell myself
Not sure that I captured the last couple of lines as I wanted, where it indicates more a loss of soul (my interpretation)
The song also takes me back to another song Kaante - Maahi Ve, which I also thought was quite a moving song:
As I'm not fully checking the lyrics I've posted a link showing where someone has already done it:
http://www.ardhamy.com/song/maahi-ve
Monday, 8 December 2014
Years & Years - Take Shelter
So long time no write ...
I'm currently being selfish and have started a new career path, teaching Maths! Who would have thought it, I know I've taught some young people on the fly, usually one-on-one tuition. This is completely different to teaching whole classrooms though.
Trying to find the pace of the whole class is probably the most challenging part of this course so far. Although my first school was all low level behaviour, the key to my second school is apparently rapport ...
No words to say what is happening, however we'll see how the years spans out ... bar informing a kid that yes I have heard of Eminem ...
So long time no write ...
I'm currently being selfish and have started a new career path, teaching Maths! Who would have thought it, I know I've taught some young people on the fly, usually one-on-one tuition. This is completely different to teaching whole classrooms though.
Trying to find the pace of the whole class is probably the most challenging part of this course so far. Although my first school was all low level behaviour, the key to my second school is apparently rapport ...
No words to say what is happening, however we'll see how the years spans out ... bar informing a kid that yes I have heard of Eminem ...
Wednesday, 6 August 2014
Wednesday, 16 July 2014
Excuses
Sami Yusuf - Ya Allahu Ya Rahmanu
Well it's time again, my mum is looking to get her daughters hitched ...
I was watching the above video and perhaps in a degree I agree with him, I have burns on my legs, do I have low self esteem due to this, I'm not sure. However that does mean that if some guy calls me pretty I think I have burns and if you knew would those words have ever been said? Let's not get started on the other imperfections I think I have, but that's my insecurities, there are some good guys that will not see these things and I thank Allah for allowing me to see this, as maybe I would have seen the scars as some impediment.
Marriage, a relationship that brings together 2 families and bring communities together even if only for a short period of time. To hopefully find the lifetime companion in which half the deen can be worked by working together to help each other in our faith and family.
However I have been told many a time that my ideals are too lofty and that I am looking through rose-tinted glasses, I would disagree, I have lived the life I was given for some I have lived a harsh life although when I look at the situation in comparison to the rest of the world I have lived in luxury and am thankful for everything I was given. I would rather look for the best in a relationship and a person then try and play the supposed realist and lower my standards, an example of this was someone telling me that why should I care if my potential partner smokes(?!?).
The biggest thing I look for in a partner is whether I believe they will be a good parent, at the end of the day, it is the future generations that will shape the world and it's these unborn souls that I worry about. I recall my last words to my father and how it still affects me to this day. I forgave my father for he never really did anything to me, it's how he damaged other folk that I sometimes wonder if it's my forgiveness that matters.
And looking back I may have even refused a future because of this fear I have my myself being a parent. I pray that those people found worthy partners because they are wonderful people and deserve that much.
Well it's time again, my mum is looking to get her daughters hitched ...
I was watching the above video and perhaps in a degree I agree with him, I have burns on my legs, do I have low self esteem due to this, I'm not sure. However that does mean that if some guy calls me pretty I think I have burns and if you knew would those words have ever been said? Let's not get started on the other imperfections I think I have, but that's my insecurities, there are some good guys that will not see these things and I thank Allah for allowing me to see this, as maybe I would have seen the scars as some impediment.
Marriage, a relationship that brings together 2 families and bring communities together even if only for a short period of time. To hopefully find the lifetime companion in which half the deen can be worked by working together to help each other in our faith and family.
However I have been told many a time that my ideals are too lofty and that I am looking through rose-tinted glasses, I would disagree, I have lived the life I was given for some I have lived a harsh life although when I look at the situation in comparison to the rest of the world I have lived in luxury and am thankful for everything I was given. I would rather look for the best in a relationship and a person then try and play the supposed realist and lower my standards, an example of this was someone telling me that why should I care if my potential partner smokes(?!?).
The biggest thing I look for in a partner is whether I believe they will be a good parent, at the end of the day, it is the future generations that will shape the world and it's these unborn souls that I worry about. I recall my last words to my father and how it still affects me to this day. I forgave my father for he never really did anything to me, it's how he damaged other folk that I sometimes wonder if it's my forgiveness that matters.
And looking back I may have even refused a future because of this fear I have my myself being a parent. I pray that those people found worthy partners because they are wonderful people and deserve that much.
Tuesday, 20 May 2014
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