Years & Years - King
So I haven't written in ages, I would pretend that I have a life, however it's more to do with my suffering from the common cold for so long. Apparently hanging around kids can do that for a person. SO less time to think, meant less ranting (perhaps that's a huzzah moment perhaps not - maybe one thing to do in order to stop these incessant thoughts is just to maintain the busy/ill factor in order to stay oblivious and/or sane.
A downside with this meant thta I gained weight, noooooooooooooooooo!
Half a stone may not mean much to anyone else but going up 2 dress sizes with my short status meant hell for me, at least I could retend that I was looking after myself, now I'm unable to even do that.
Anyway I digress, back to why I even started writing today's entry I'm pissed off, yep I know hard to fathom (not) I'm not made to feel welcome in the place I should be able to call home ...
Last time I was about to leave I had my own car, deposit and it was Cardiff here I come ... now I've gone into a field that requires me to stay somewhere permanent for the next year, no car and my savings have dwindled. I'm even more of a second class citizen as the parent chose another over me, apparently I cannot attack others but it's perfectly fine if they attack me, hypocrisy but hey what do I know about parenting. And if I even suggest that folk shouldn't come to me for answers because they have the chosen one (who incidentally doesn't give a shit unless it's something that she wants to do or is able to lord over others later) I get berated. Seriously.
And then I had an epiphany earlier this week when the parent stated that she would never tell her kid to leave, because if she did they would resent her. However this now means that what I had been doing was the path I should have followed, at least if I'd had my own home I wouldn't have been a second class citizen and could have had a smidgen of fun as hollow as it might of been.
Oh well, what ifs don't get people anywhere so I'm going to have to start again from this new stop, so nother couple of years of silence and probably tears whilst listening to myself get berated for the actions not performed by the chosen one who claimed that she does it all without complaint and never gets any credit for it ... methinks not, the fact that it hasn't been done and I get told off in order to do this, then do it, then have the chosen one claim the same thing pisses me off, but no one else gives a shit. So I think my method of not speaking to the chosen one is good. I avoid concussion (have I mentioned the chosen one is a violent bully), confrontation although I don't have any freedom, unless the chosen one is not home, and this depends on whether she's chosen to clog up various rooms with her presence, like leaving the sink full of washing up because even though she is 10 minutes ready before leaving the house (she waits for her lift) she cannot wash up after herself. So I get told of if I point anything out, because then I'm lazy and resentful whereas she's a saint or something. And I get told off for not being a good person because coming home hours after the chosen one means I should have cleaned everything up ... don't ask me to explainthe logic I have yet to discover it.
Yes I'm being a nasty person by only covering the mess I make, etc. But what do I care it's not like any of them give a shit about me. Just because I don't divert the topic or bitch at them if they get my back up doesn't mean I deserve that treatment. And they ponder why I retreat into my own shell, not talking and just generally being me elsewhere, sometimes I wonder at the what ifs. What if I had chosen that guy rather then my faith, what if I had chosen to leave, what if I Had just settled, what if I Had said yes to the CFO. Would I be happy? Would I still be alone? Waiting for each moment hoping it's my last whilst I comtemplate as to why I'm not allowed to commit suicide, not because it's self harm or a cry for attention, but because sometimes I wonder at the point of this faceless reality where everything is gained by the greedy and you get targeted for trying to be a better person. I only want 1 person, but then I Guess some of the prophets had not even that so who am I to complain?
