BTS (방탄소년단) - "FAKE LOVE" (Metal Cover by Lies Behind Your Eyes)

Sia - I forgive you

So upon self reflection am I punishing mum? She's the one that I cannot go to, any time I've ever told her about her daughter, she's shrugged and said I deserved it. So I don't know, I feel bad but I've lost the ability to be honest to her so if I cannot trust her with the truth can I trust her with anything.

So I'm giving myself a year, I need to be gone, otherwise abroad, or get hitched. To be honest I don't want the hitched thing, that means I might wreck someone else and I don't think I could hack faking niceness.

At least schools starting, it mean I can leave before 6 and come home after. Stop by Morrison's to get a snack otherwise how am I going to eat? Fun times!

Started praying again, I have a feeling I'm doomed so not even sure why I'm bothering but lord knows I am.

Linkin Park - Heavy

I've never had an alcoholic beverage before, so although the smell gives me a headache I do ponder and to what type of drunk if be.

I have a feeling I'd be a sad drunk, meh

Linkin Park - Papercut

So I don't want to fight. It's just a basic thing that I have. However others make an assumption about me, this being my own family.

So when people get argumentative I walk away, in the past they never listen so rather then just get screamed at for no reason, because telling me that I carry the faults of another person is not up my alley I'll always walk away. If I wanted to be told that I do the faults that my sister did I'd ask. If I wanted to know that because I fought back verbally because I got beat up is disrespectful then so be it.

I'm bothered but hey if no one listens then I'll walk away, no point in further aggravating myself when the other party have started on the premise that I committed acts I did not do. Scream and shout at me, tell me I'm pathetic for getting upset. I'll just keep my silence because until you care enough to listen my thoughts will stay my own and you'll never know that I'm at that point where once I leave I'm not going to come back. I won't say a negative word about anyone because I'm not built like that but if rather burn all my bridges then continue to cry myself to sleep just so that you can verbally attack me just because you believe you're justified to do it.

This is exactly the reason why I'm not going to get married, not because I'm defying anyone or because I think I'm perfect. But because I'm afraid that after all this time maybe I am just a bitch and they were right all along, why should I ruin someone else's life for my selfish desire to just have someone to hold me and tell me everything's going to be okay. It's probably too much to ask for.

No one can be trusted, the nice folk will get tarnished and the mean folk just want to use & abuse someone.

I'm just annoyed that everytime I ask God to just let me die he refused to take me. Maybe I should be asking the devil, maybe I should just follow that psychological bullshit and just commit the acts I get accused of. This way I could feel remorse for the deeds rather than for the fact that I never get heard in a family that claim that they listen, being interrupted or being told to shut up gets old fast.

I don't know maybe I'm withering away, or maybe no one has grown, all I get told is that I've done something wrong, even though I didn't do anything. So I took to doing nothing, why cook when you go pushed out of the way. Why clean when one person decides to just disregard it and do it to their own specifications (and then the next time I do it the idiot gets all the praise). Why talk when you get told to shut up. Why come home early when I have nothing to come too. I hate the fact that I still have hope, this is witnessed by every tear that leaves my eyes.

Oh well 2.5 days before I start work again. Early mornings and late evenings, the way to get away without fear of repercussions when returning home. Then straight to bed, no need to worry about what I will get told off for, because not being there is the best evidence there is.

What love is

https://youtu.be/vnKZ4pdSU-s

Silence

If you closed a bridge and hostility came, what would it take to reopen it?

Already trusting no one means that any silence is going to be over a long long time, and when a fight comes, I'll just walk away.

Clouded reality

Years & Years - King

So I haven't written in ages, I would pretend that I have a life, however it's more to do with my suffering from the common cold for so long. Apparently hanging around kids can do that for a person. SO less time to think, meant less ranting (perhaps that's a huzzah moment perhaps not - maybe one thing to do in order to stop these incessant thoughts is just to maintain the busy/ill factor in order to stay oblivious and/or sane.

A downside with this meant thta I gained weight, noooooooooooooooooo!

Half a stone may not mean much to anyone else but going up 2 dress sizes with my short status meant hell for me, at least I could retend that I was looking after myself, now I'm unable to even do that.

Anyway I digress, back to why I even started writing today's entry I'm pissed off, yep I know hard to fathom (not) I'm not made to feel welcome in the place I should be able to call home ...

Last time I was about to leave I had my own car, deposit and it was Cardiff here I come ... now I've gone into a field that requires me to stay somewhere permanent for the next year, no car and my savings have dwindled. I'm even more of a second class citizen as the parent chose another over me, apparently I cannot attack others but it's perfectly fine if they attack me, hypocrisy but hey what do I know about parenting. And if I even suggest that folk shouldn't come to me for answers because they have the chosen one (who incidentally doesn't give a shit unless it's something that she wants to do or is able to lord over others later) I get berated. Seriously.

And then I had an epiphany earlier this week when the parent stated that she would never tell her kid to leave, because if she did they would resent her. However this now means that what I had been doing was the path I should have followed, at least if I'd had my own home I wouldn't have been a second class citizen and could have had a smidgen of fun as hollow as it might of been.

Oh well, what ifs don't get people anywhere so I'm going to have to start again from this new stop, so nother couple of years of silence and probably tears whilst listening to myself get berated for the actions not performed by the chosen one who claimed that she does it all without complaint and never gets any credit for it ... methinks not, the fact that it hasn't been done and I get told off in order to do this, then do it, then have the chosen one claim the same thing pisses me off, but no one else gives a shit. So I think my method of not speaking to the chosen one is good. I avoid concussion (have I mentioned the chosen one is a violent bully), confrontation although I don't have any freedom, unless the chosen one is not home, and this depends on whether she's chosen to clog up various rooms with her presence, like leaving the sink full of washing up because even though she is 10 minutes ready before leaving the house (she waits for her lift) she cannot wash up after herself. So I get told of if I point anything out, because then I'm lazy and resentful whereas she's a saint or something. And I get told off for not being a good person because coming home hours after the chosen one means I should have cleaned everything up ... don't ask me to explainthe logic I have yet to discover it.

Yes I'm being a nasty person by only covering the mess I make, etc. But what do I care it's not like any of them give a shit about me. Just because I don't divert the topic or bitch at them if they get my back up doesn't mean I deserve that treatment. And they ponder why I retreat into my own shell, not talking and just generally being me elsewhere, sometimes I wonder at the what ifs. What if I had chosen that guy rather then my faith, what if I had chosen to leave, what if I Had just settled, what if I Had said yes to the CFO. Would I be happy? Would I still be alone? Waiting for each moment hoping it's my last whilst I comtemplate as to why I'm not allowed to commit suicide, not because it's self harm or a cry for attention, but because sometimes I wonder at the point of this faceless reality where everything is gained by the greedy and you get targeted for trying to be a better person. I only want 1 person, but then I Guess some of the prophets had not even that so who am I to complain?