Sia - I forgive you

So upon self reflection am I punishing mum? She's the one that I cannot go to, any time I've ever told her about her daughter, she's shrugged and said I deserved it. So I don't know, I feel bad but I've lost the ability to be honest to her so if I cannot trust her with the truth can I trust her with anything.

So I'm giving myself a year, I need to be gone, otherwise abroad, or get hitched. To be honest I don't want the hitched thing, that means I might wreck someone else and I don't think I could hack faking niceness.

At least schools starting, it mean I can leave before 6 and come home after. Stop by Morrison's to get a snack otherwise how am I going to eat? Fun times!

Started praying again, I have a feeling I'm doomed so not even sure why I'm bothering but lord knows I am.

Linkin Park - Heavy

I've never had an alcoholic beverage before, so although the smell gives me a headache I do ponder and to what type of drunk if be.

I have a feeling I'd be a sad drunk, meh

Linkin Park - Papercut

So I don't want to fight. It's just a basic thing that I have. However others make an assumption about me, this being my own family.

So when people get argumentative I walk away, in the past they never listen so rather then just get screamed at for no reason, because telling me that I carry the faults of another person is not up my alley I'll always walk away. If I wanted to be told that I do the faults that my sister did I'd ask. If I wanted to know that because I fought back verbally because I got beat up is disrespectful then so be it.

I'm bothered but hey if no one listens then I'll walk away, no point in further aggravating myself when the other party have started on the premise that I committed acts I did not do. Scream and shout at me, tell me I'm pathetic for getting upset. I'll just keep my silence because until you care enough to listen my thoughts will stay my own and you'll never know that I'm at that point where once I leave I'm not going to come back. I won't say a negative word about anyone because I'm not built like that but if rather burn all my bridges then continue to cry myself to sleep just so that you can verbally attack me just because you believe you're justified to do it.

This is exactly the reason why I'm not going to get married, not because I'm defying anyone or because I think I'm perfect. But because I'm afraid that after all this time maybe I am just a bitch and they were right all along, why should I ruin someone else's life for my selfish desire to just have someone to hold me and tell me everything's going to be okay. It's probably too much to ask for.

No one can be trusted, the nice folk will get tarnished and the mean folk just want to use & abuse someone.

I'm just annoyed that everytime I ask God to just let me die he refused to take me. Maybe I should be asking the devil, maybe I should just follow that psychological bullshit and just commit the acts I get accused of. This way I could feel remorse for the deeds rather than for the fact that I never get heard in a family that claim that they listen, being interrupted or being told to shut up gets old fast.

I don't know maybe I'm withering away, or maybe no one has grown, all I get told is that I've done something wrong, even though I didn't do anything. So I took to doing nothing, why cook when you go pushed out of the way. Why clean when one person decides to just disregard it and do it to their own specifications (and then the next time I do it the idiot gets all the praise). Why talk when you get told to shut up. Why come home early when I have nothing to come too. I hate the fact that I still have hope, this is witnessed by every tear that leaves my eyes.

Oh well 2.5 days before I start work again. Early mornings and late evenings, the way to get away without fear of repercussions when returning home. Then straight to bed, no need to worry about what I will get told off for, because not being there is the best evidence there is.